


The Mistake She Never Made

by daisyqiaolianmay (skinman)



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Confessions, F/M, Hurt, Past Relationship(s), Philinda - Freeform, Post 3x07, Post Chaos Theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-02 00:48:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5227493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skinman/pseuds/daisyqiaolianmay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Prompt 25: 'It was a mistake.'<br/>Trying so hard to avoid what she was sure was a mistake that would tear her apart, Melinda May made a whole different one; one that changed the entire course of her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mistake She Never Made

She couldn’t punch hard enough. Every strike felt feeble, lean muscles as taught and powerful as always; built up over decades of dedication. Complete dedication to the cause. She’d given her life, put her safety on the line, her health, again and again, and all she had wanted in return was the chance to have a life outside the organisation she had lived for. A future maybe... hopefully.

Andrew had been that safe choice; a man she had loved, a man who had loved her, though after all these years she still didn’t quite understand why. They’d been so different… Some part of her was aware that originally, maybe, she’d chosen him for the wrong reasons. Because she’d understood there were things she could never have with… other people. Because he was the solid ground after a tidal wave. She had grown to love him, to really, really love him.

He might not have re-joined S.H.I.E.L.D if she hadn’t pulled him back in. She should have kept him out of it, where he was safe. But Phil had asked, and she’d always been slightly powerless in that area.

“Can I come in?” His voice was barely a comfort. She would prefer to be alone right now. She didn’t want to take out the anger she was trying to internalise right now on him. It wasn’t his fault. She’d been the selfish one.

“No.” May growled under her breath, nostrils flared, she refused to look at him.

She heard the stark pat of the soles of his shoes as he crossed the stained, wooden panels of the floor. He watched the muscles in her back move, rippling as she brought her fist hard across a dark green punch bag.

“Go away.” She warned him, teeth gritted. She increased the pace of her punches, her legs tensing painfully as she stood strong. Control, she needed to feel control right now.

Phil sat down to her right, perching on the cushioned edge of the weightlifting equipment. He made it clear he wasn’t going anywhere. That he would wait.

Melinda huffed lightly, aching limbs falling to her sides. Behind her gaze an exhaustion that went beyond the physical, too tired to glare, her deep, brown eyes were soft on his face.

“You shouldn’t be punishing yourself.” He stated, hands in his lap.

She bit her lip forcefully, turning away from him to swipe a small, navy towel from the rack. Covering her pained expression a moment as she dried her face and neck.

“This isn’t your fault.” Phil persisted, shoulders squared in his persistence.

“Isn’t it?” Melinda muttered to herself as she reached down by his side to snag a water bottle.

His lips parted in incredulity, lines marring his forehead, something akin to horror in his intense gaze, “Why… why would you even think that?” He stood now, his jaw tense as he held back, desperate to reassure, to comfort.

May raised the bottle to her lips, fingernails biting into the towel still in her grasp, taking a sip before answering, “I got him involved.”

Phil all but scoffed, shaking his head, “You know I would gone to him with or without you.”

Melinda rolled her eyes despite herself, taking another aggressive swig of the water.

“What?” He read her expression.

“S.H.I.E.L.D, Phil.” May blinked rapidly, pursing her lips to hold it all in, “He would have been just as happy teaching intro Psych to college freshmen for the rest of his life. I was the specialist, I was the one dodging bullets, and he…” She choked, but hid it well.

“May…” Phil breathed, reaching out for her.

She fell to the seat of the weightlifting equipment, exactly where he’d been. His hand missed her just barely, gentle fingertips brushing warm against the bare skin of her upper arm. He joined her slowly, sitting shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh. He waited. It had always been a waiting game with Melinda May.

“He could have had a good life.” She said softly, solemnly, almost as though she were reciting a prayer, “He could have had a family… with someone better.”

“No.” Phil’s eyes fluttered, gaze lowering, he carefully slid his own hand over hers where it rested on her thigh. Seemingly so delicate to belong to someone so strong. Looks could be deceiving. It was strange to sit beside a woman, and know that with one move she could perhaps, quite easily, end your life, and not be scared, and trust her completely. “You know… Andrew has always loved you.”

“More than I deserved.” May retorted with certainty.

“You can’t believe that.” Phil sighed, he wished he knew how to help.

“I chose him because he was safe, because I couldn’t lose him like… like I thought I would lose you.” She admitted, teeth clenched as though the words themselves were venom. “It was a mistake. A selfish mistake.”

In that moment Phil heart clenched; a tight, ruthless hand squeezing it without mercy. He had never looked at that way before. For a man of intelligence trained in advanced logistics when it came to Melinda he’d always been in the dark. He’d just, until now, never realised himself to be _that_ in the dark.  

“But… I died.” Phil jaw trembled as the words came. He moved to wrap his fingers a little closer round her hand; rough palms and smooth backs, just like always, fingers slipping into place in-between one another. A ship docking at it’s home port.

“And even after all those years it still hurt like hell, so what was the point?” A single tear, heavy with regret, tumbled alone down the serene plain of her cheek.

Phil stared at the floor, unblinking, putting the puzzle pieces together one by one in his mind’s eyes. A mission in morocco just months after graduation, he’d taken a bullet to the side of his abdomen. A few hours in critical condition, a week in a med centre, a month of rehab. She’d been by his side the whole time, but as soon as he was fighting fit she’d barely even said goodbye. He’d never really understood it, he’d just accepted it. Resolute like the soldier he was. Now, all these years on, he finally understood.

“That’s who I am, Phil.” May pulled her hand away despite his keen, protesting, grasping fingers. Another tear of grief toppling, “I’m the coward who was so afraid of losing something she didn’t even try to have it.” She made it clear she was going to walk away.

“Mel.” Phil called, tailing her to the door, he tried to grab her wrist but she dodged so he moved faster, gripping her upper arm he turned her and pushed her firmly back against the wall beside the door frame.

She could have easily escaped at any other time, but she was tired, and some small part of still wanted to hear what he had to stay.

“I thought you were happier.” He looked completely pained, eyes wet with dismay, _‘Without me,’_ he added internally.

She let his forehead brush thoughtfully against her own, eyes wide open. Folds, creases around his unnervingly calm, blue eyes, deepened dimples around his mouth. They’d grown old on fear. She shook her head a little, their brows still touching.

When she moved away from him this time he didn’t stop her. It was just a few steps to tell him she needed space, but to him it felt like the Pacific Ocean had opened up between them. He’d just have to swim it if he had to, but not today. Nodding to himself he followed her lead, stepping back, and then out the door. He left her alone with her thoughts once more.

Melinda didn’t want to stay there anymore, and after leaving Phil enough time to make it somewhere isolated, she took a moment to gather her own stride and then exited the room.

A shuffle to May’s right was all that alerted her to another’s presence. Looking down she saw the younger agent with her knees up, sat on the dusty floor, tucked in at the doorframe just outside the room, a worried yet expectant expression on her face.

“Damn it, Daisy.” May bit her tongue to stop it forming much harsher words.

“Sorry, I just…” The girl didn’t seem to have a good excuse, and so the words fell away.

May forced all the anger to seep from her muscles, letting them become limp. Daisy had a way of weakening her resolve. Phil hadn’t be a target for her disappointment, her anger, and Daisy certainly wasn’t. The woman crouched, dropping into place at the girl’s side. Daisy was a solid, warm weight, leaning against May slightly without even realising it, anchoring her.

“You hear that?” May asked softly, though she was sure she already knew the answer.

Daisy nodded with care, respectful, her gaze not moving from May’s profile as the woman refused to face her. “He loves you too… you know that, right?” She braved the words, thinking May needed to hear them.

May’s jaw tensed, her eyes rising to the heavens, determined not to let her emotions get the best of her. She considered Daisy’s conclusion a second, responding with a sentence weighted down with it’s own unbearable accuracy, meeting the young agent’s insistent brown eyes, “That was always the problem.”

 

 

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__please follow me at[coulsonskids](http://www.coulsonskids.tumblr.com/) on tumblr! i'm taking prompts_ _

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**Author's Note:**

> I am so, so sorry... that's all I have to say.


End file.
